sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
