I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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