Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
