Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
