my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
