my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
