oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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