thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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