Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
