when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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