I accidentally burped into my bong.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want her autograph on my taint
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
