just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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