We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
