Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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