I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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