I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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