There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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