The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
