New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
