if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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