the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
