So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
