there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
