Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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