You made me cry and you don't even care
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
