That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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