Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
