fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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