tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think my fart just growled at me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
