My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
