How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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