I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
