2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
