this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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