I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
