is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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