I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
it was like eating out sand paper
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
