I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
