from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
