Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
