Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
