How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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