And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
