I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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