I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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