you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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