If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
