I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
