I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
