You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
