The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
