If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
